2005-09-26 - 4:58 p.m.

RAISON TOAST CLINGS TO MY NICOTENE FLAVOURED TEETH
I NEED ANOTHER COFFEE OR THREE
TORI AMOS IS IN MY HEAD
AND ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIE
BUT THEN AGAIN,
THERE'S ALWAYS THE FANTASIES IN MY BENT AND CLOUDED HEAD
WHERE YOU AREN'T BEING SO COLD AND DISTANT AND ACTUALLY WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH SAD OLD BROKEN HEARTED ME...
MY TEARS ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT
BE THEY A LOVING GIFT
OR MENACING CURSE
NICE OF YOU TO LET ME KNOW
AN ABSENT FRIEND WAS WHAT YOU WANTED WITH THE WHOLE "CAN WE JUST BE FRIENDS?" THING
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FUCKING FRIES WITH THAT?
OR IS THE TASTE OF MY PAIN INDULGENCE ENOUGH FOR SOME ONE LIKE YOU?
FRUSTRATING REALLY HOW A SIGNIFICANT OTHER CAN GO FROM WORTHY TO LESS THAN DUST AT THE DROP OF A TURD
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
AS I SIT HERE BROKEN AND LOST ONCE AGAIN IN THE THIS DIRTY STRUGGLE FOR HAPPINESS
PLEASE BE SO KIND AS TO RUB A LITTLE MORE SALT INTO THESE BLEEDING WOUNDS OF MINE
QUICK AS A SLASH I'VE FALLEN FROM HIGH AS A KITE TO SIX FEET UNDER
IS YOUR KINDNESS THROUGH GIFTS TRUSTWORTHY?
OR JUST YOUR LITTLE WAY OF HELPING THE BOTH OF US MOVE ON?
OR IS IT REALLY JUST TO KEEP SOME KIND OF GUILT FROM REARING IT'S NASTY YET APPROPRIATE FACE?
CAN'T BE A GUILT THING BECAUSE YOU DON'T DO EMOTIONS
IT WAS NEVER EVER ABOUT ALL YOUR PRECIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL BELONGINGS
FINANCIAL COMFORT IS ONE THING
BUT I WOULD HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU WERE YOU A PIECE OF STREET TRASH SLEEPING IN THE GUTTER
YOU'VE DEALT WITH DEATH BEFORE
TWICE TO BE EXACT
I'D SHED A TEAR IF THERE WERE ANY LEFT
WOULD MY DEATH REGISTER AT ALL?
I HONESTLY WONDER WOULD YOU EVEN GIVE THAT SO MUCH AS A SIGH
IT'S NOT "BEING FRIENDS" THAT BOTHERS ME
ACTUALLY IT BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF ME BUT WHAT'S WORSE IS THE FRIEND YOU'RE BEING
... OR LACK THERE OF
BUT THEN AGAIN IT'S PROBABLY JUST PATHETIC DISCARDED ME FEELING NEEDY! AGAIN... JUST FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT CHANGE THE CHANNEL FLICK A SWITCH OR TWO BUT YET AGAIN SURPRISE SURPRISE HERE WE ARE AGAIN I FEEL I DSERVE SOME KIND OF AWARD OR SOMETHING MAYBE A NICE BIG RIBBON TO PIN ON THE REMAINS OF THIS SCALEY CRUSTY CRUMBLING THING I USED TO CALL SPIRIT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT POKERDOTS? DID YOU KNOW I USED TO BE OBSESSED WITH THE COLOUR ORANGE? IN RETROSPECT I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE BIT LIKE A WHORE WELL AT LEAST THE DONE-WITH-YOU GET-OUTTA-HERE PART MAYBE ALL WE HAD WAS MORE OF A SUGAR DADDY TO LOVING LITTLE BOY TYPE RELATIONSHIP I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS WELL I THOUGHT LOVE WAS ALL I KNEW WHEN IT CAME TO YOU ARE YOU CAPABLE OF LOVE? JUST OUT OF CURIOUSITY THAT IS A TOXIC HOUNDING SCREAMING CURIOUSITY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU CAPABLE OF LOVE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN YOUR OWN LITTLE BIZZARE KIND OF BUDDY WHO I FUCK KINDA WAY I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME WHERE INSIDE THAT MESSED UP WORLD OF INTERNAL-YOU ACTUALLY FELT SOMETHING SOMETHING NICE SOMETHING WARM SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE LASTED AND ONLY IMPROVED MISTAKES ARE HOW WE GROW THEY SAY MISTAKES ARE HOW I KEEP LOSING FAITH IN PEOPLE MISTAKES ARE WHAT KEEP THAT DISEASE THEY CALL DEPRESSION ALIVE AND KICKING HARD INSIDE ME I WANT A STRWBERRY MILKSHAKE I WANT TO HOLD YOU HAND AGAIN I WANT SLAP YOUR FACE A FEW TIMES I WANT TO SHATTER SOME GLASS I WANT MY LIFE TO FEEL NECESSARY AND WORTH WHILE AGAIN I WANT SHOW MY DEAD GRANNY'S BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY IN MY OWN LITTLE ART GALLERY I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE I MISS WAKING UP AND BUYING YOU COFFEE EVERY MORNING I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU I MISS THE ME THAT YOU BROUGHT OUT THIS THING WILL SCAR ME AND HAUNT ME A LONG TIME HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? I BROKE MY FOOT AT THE DEPOT AGAIN BUT THIS TIME I HAD TO CARRY MYSELF HOME ...JESSE ANTONIEFF

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